The Road Not Taken

Safe to say, since creating an outlet for my rage there has been little to upset me on my journeys. This in itself upsets me. Clearly cyclists were not made to be happy people.
The fun story of today is one of drive-by arguments. I spent a large portion of my way to work this morning inwardly cursing drivers who poke their nose out of a junction into the cycle lane, hoping somebody will let them in. Firstly, you need to consider that other people are just like you. If you are someone who lets others into traffic ahead of you (good on you), you'll almost certainly do it regardless of whether their cars are halfway into the road already. If not, the car isn't far enough into your lane to stop you, so you'll still ignore it. Nobody benefits from your front wheels getting better acquainted with the white lines they are supposed to be behind. But some of us are forced to go around your car. Some of us are forced out of the safety of cycle lanes and into fast moving traffic that still doesn't understand what signalling on a bike means.

I have an hour long journey to work so eventually I ended up with a finished article of fantasy:
A car has it's nose out into the cycle lane. Rather than swerving around it, I park my bike in front of it and stop to yell at the driver: "You see what happens when you don't stop at the junction but carry on into the road?! You do exactly what I'm doing to you now. You block people off. You are in my fucking way. You are making my journey dangerous because now I have to swerve into fucking traffic. Stop fucking doing it!"
( I don't rant very dramatically when cycling fast. Also, monologues are always a better fantasy because in reality I'm nearly always cut off by the car behind me beeping or the driver just screaming FUCK YOU!)

The other great missed opportunity happened on my way home. A woman was waiting to cross a full 10 yards away from a zebra crossing. As I cycled past her, she yelled, "the crossing is meant for you to stop too!" My normally far too slow brain was quick as lightning but still not fast enough for me to quip back before I'd cycled on round the corner, "there's also a red light in half a mile. Would you like me to stop now?"
If she'd been waiting at the crossing, I might have stopped.

I say might because truthfully I probably wouldn't have. I was trying to beat my time and there's actually plenty of room on the crossing for both of us if she starts to cross. I know that's wrong of me but it didn't actually happen and I stand by the concept that I can't be held responsible for the bad actions I don't have the opportunity to carry out. If bad intentions alone are what we are judged on, I'm screwed already. There have been many times when I've felt like picking up my bike and throwing it through someone's windscreen but I can't because inexplicably there's someone sitting on the bike, riding it. How dreadfully unfair!

There have also been times when I've felt like slaughtering kittens but that's a whole different issue between me and my psychiatrist and, frankly, none of the woman at the zebra crossing's business.